103014 || 12:04AM || "Not Hearing From You"

I like not hearing from you
Because some days I feel good and strong
And I lessen the guilt knowing how much we cared
Convincing myself that
you have moved on.

I like not hearing from you
Because most days I cannot pull through
And I lessen the pain knowing how much we cared
Convincing myself that
you miss me too.

- ar

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Dear Angelyn

You have been 27 for 19 days. What a waste to look at life the way you do, "I think this year is a write-off--next year is my champagne birthday!"

Who have you become? You used to be so bright-eyed and eager. The love you believed in was loud and earnest, so outrageously youthful that you'd be beaming, constantly like the ray that you are. 

Where has your fire gone? Could it really so simply have been the stress of life? That actually wore you down? You, the girl with her heart on fire, too anxious to write a poem? Too exhausted to rise with the sun? Too stressed out to do what you love?

How could you have possibly let yourself get so bogged down?

Who are you? This 27 year old? Tell me, please, how you have grown since you were 16. Did that period truly shake you so much that you imploded into yourself like some burning star that had no control of its fate? You are so so much bigger than what you allow yourself to be. You are still burning yet you hold back your own brightness. You are so much louder than the volume you allow yourself to speak. So much more gleeful, intelligent, and eager to be and enjoy than you give yourself credit for. 

Go, be yourself. You used to be so kind, so loving to yourself. And you let that lead you to believe it necessary for some man to come along to take over. 

I am your responsibility. 

You must continue to be loving, kind. It is a disservice to keep your true self from the world. It is insulting to keep your true self from me.

Who are you? This 27 year old?

You are the 15 year old that falls in love. You are the 16 year old that writes novels about it. You are the 17 year old that sings songs about it. But first, and always, you are the 7 year old that decided you would be around long enough to discover it all.

Come, find me. 

I'm waiting. 

Monday, April 29, 2019

What You Want

You wanted to go to Vegas
and decided we will, next year, some time in June.
"I need an adult vacation," you say.
And me? I would like that too.
Maybe Vermont, or New York.
But I guess once your mind is set on your interests
that's all it takes.

I won't get lost in you...
but you might lose me in your plan.

And yes, I stand by it--
thanks for the talk.

--ar

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Surge of Motivation

It will take a while.

It will take a while to get back where we want to be. There will be some days that are better than others.

It will take a while to feel the things you want to feel--the feelings you miss.

Your brain is so scattered. You're so exhausted of masking.


265 days until 2020.
Happiness: 6
Loneliness: 2
Self-esteem: 8
Self-confidence: 10

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Dear Angelyn

Dear Angelyn,

You're writing to yourself while you sit on a bed you share with a man 11 years your senior. His dog is by your side, and it's a Tuesday night at 9:44 p.m. You've asked him to give you some time to finish up a couple things after you expressed that you want to get some things in your life together.

His answer? He's making jokes about Guatalupe because that's what the episode of Unsolved Mysteries is about.

I think you miss the emotional depth you had at the time you were constantly writing--constantly feeling. I think it'd be good for you to write again because you also need someone to talk to. You know you're limited in the things you can divulge and you've unfortunately still got no friends who can fully understand your life.

You're mostly alone, mostly. Like I said, you're sitting on a bed in a room (a bachelor apartment, really) with your boyfriend and the dog, and yet you're the only one who wants to give yourself undivided attention.

You know what the hardest part about that is? You know that this is the way you prefer things. You've never had to be put under the microscope in the way you need. You don't even allow your mind to go there.

I hope we get to go there.

266 days until 2020.
Happiness: 4
Loneliness: 5
Self-esteem: 4
Self-confidence: 4

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

MMXV

Hair is cut and beards are shaved
Improve with age like wine
Bodies wither inevitably
But I will always remember

Caring hands and loving arms
The things not rightly mine
Years will try to steal them back
Still I will always remember

Rain will pour and swings will creek
While sunsets change their hues
Beauty burrows into the heart
So I will always remember

Feelings fade and faces change
And what we search for too
We may outgrow the love we have
But I will always remember

—ar

Monday, January 26, 2015

If Ever

If ever there does come a day
I wish more not to see
Please lock me up inside myself
And throw away the key
For rather would I bear life's pain
A while with all it's woe
Than end my life forsaking
All the love I've yet to know

- ar

Resistance

I stopped finishing songs lyrics
I stopped my poetry too
I stopped because at some point
I started writing just for you.

I'm starting to get better
I'm starting to like distance
I'm starting to write songs again
I'm stopping this resistance.

- ar