What You Want

You wanted to go to Vegas
and decided we will, next year, some time in June.
"I need an adult vacation," you say.
And me? I would like that too.
Maybe Vermont, or New York.
But I guess once your mind is set on your interests
that's all it takes.

I won't get lost in you...
but you might lose me in your plan.

And yes, I stand by it--
thanks for the talk.

--ar

Surge of Motivation

It will take a while.

It will take a while to get back where we want to be. There will be some days that are better than others.

It will take a while to feel the things you want to feel--the feelings you miss.

Your brain is so scattered. You're so exhausted of masking.


265 days until 2020.
Happiness: 6
Loneliness: 2
Self-esteem: 8
Self-confidence: 10

Dear Angelyn

Dear Angelyn,

You're writing to yourself while you sit on a bed you share with a man 11 years your senior. His dog is by your side, and it's a Tuesday night at 9:44 p.m. You've asked him to give you some time to finish up a couple things after you expressed that you want to get some things in your life together.

His answer? He's making jokes about Guatalupe because that's what the episode of Unsolved Mysteries is about.

I think you miss the emotional depth you had at the time you were constantly writing--constantly feeling. I think it'd be good for you to write again because you also need someone to talk to. You know you're limited in the things you can divulge and you've unfortunately still got no friends who can fully understand your life.

You're mostly alone, mostly. Like I said, you're sitting on a bed in a room (a bachelor apartment, really) with your boyfriend and the dog, and yet you're the only one who wants to give yourself undivided attention.

You know what the hardest part about that is? You know that this is the way you prefer things. You've never had to be put under the microscope in the way you need. You don't even allow your mind to go there.

I hope we get to go there.

266 days until 2020.
Happiness: 4
Loneliness: 5
Self-esteem: 4
Self-confidence: 4

MMXV

Hair is cut and beards are shaved
Improve with age like wine
Bodies wither inevitably
But I will always remember

Caring hands and loving arms
The things not rightly mine
Years will try to steal them back
Still I will always remember

Rain will pour and swings will creek
While sunsets change their hues
Beauty burrows into the heart
So I will always remember

Feelings fade and faces change
And what we search for too
We may outgrow the love we have
But I will always remember

—ar

If Ever

If ever there does come a day
I wish more not to see
Please lock me up inside myself
And throw away the key
For rather would I bear life's pain
A while with all it's woe
Than end my life forsaking
All the love I've yet to know

- ar

Resistance

I stopped finishing songs lyrics
I stopped my poetry too
I stopped because at some point
I started writing just for you.

I'm starting to get better
I'm starting to like distance
I'm starting to write songs again
I'm stopping this resistance.

- ar

Everlong Nights

You know, you're still my lullaby,
The place my slumber lies.
Your words, the swaying mobile
that danced above my eyes.

Now that you're gone,
so is my rest.
I close my eyes in vain.
Wide awake I spend my nights
with walks down memory lane.

Nocturnal now, like wolves at hunt,
while you remain the sheep.
I'm still here counting
endless minutes,
I don't get to sleep.

- ar